Living in a Moment Worth Dying For
by makalak
Summary: "I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be." – Charles Dickinson
1. Chapter 1

"I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be." – Charles Dickinson

I always wished for quiet on the Ark, the constant rattling of metal on metal left a dull ache in the back of my head. It hails in comparison to the pain scattered across

my body now. I'm enveloped in silence and shadows, left with only my thoughts and heat from my fire. The ghosts that haunt me roam around my consciousness

frequently since crashing from space. The baggage was lighter then, growing into an almost unbearable heaviness I carry on my own. Faces and voices play on a loop

terrorizing me while I dance on the edge on sanity. Hopelessness runs through me when considering how to find restitution for all the lives I have stolen for my people's

survival on this earth. Existence on the ground meant survival of the fittest, or smartest I hoped. It was savage and unforgiving; leaving embedded names all over my

soul. All the people I've crossed since entering the atmosphere, I'm grateful for the ones that are living, and mourn the ones that are gone. Some of the warriors slain

were ruthless murderers, but they had families, people who loved them. My tears were for them; my pain was my only way to honor them. I allow my mind to wonder

back to the agony I felt when some of my own died: Finn, Wells, even Charlotte. I can instantly relate to Jasper's sadness and desperation. The vast loss he felt watching

helplessly as Maya died in his arms. I can't deny myself the knowledge of these feelings resonating with every loss of life.

Daylight usually suppresses my cocktail of emotions, falling to the sidelines to my constant awareness of my surroundings. Everyday my instincts grow; I become

stealthier and quicker with a knife. The forest once was a fearful place, full of the unknown. I remember my first night here, waking up to a glowing abyss: colors that

could never be replicated, an image to never be forgotten. My mind reels through my firsts on the ground: when the dropship door first opened, the first time I knew we

weren't alone, the first time I floated in water, the first time I met the grounders' commander, Lexa. A flood of memories washes through at the thought of her, almost

crippling me on the spot. Usually she creeps into my thoughts when I'm on the brink of consciousness, unable to control my mind. I reminisce on our first meeting;

blood was rushing through my body as I crept closer to the tent exclusive to the Commander. I'm surrounded by grounders snarling at me, ready to take my life at any

moment. The tent's flap is lifted in front of me, and I bend down slightly and finally enter. I look up to see a girl around my age, steadily spinning a dagger in her hands.

Her face is covered with war paint, her thick brown hair braided past her shoulders. "So you're the one who burnt three hundred of my men alive?"

Her eyes flicker to mine and I'm instantly captivated. I take a deep breath, very aware that I'm being tested. "You're the one who sent them to kill us in the first place."

As well as she hides it, she falters slightly. She recovers and strikes the wooden arm of her throne with her dagger. Her deep green eyes pierce mine, "Do you have an

answer for me Clarke of the sky people?"

I think she sees the cracks in my composure, but I'm not backing down.

"Yes, I've come to make an offer," I explain to her about Lincoln and she hesitantly follows me to the dropship.

A tree stump breaks me out of my reverie. For a moment, I lost myself in what now seems to be the beginning of the end. I suspected that she would make an impact

on me, but I was clueless to the immensity of my feelings for her. I acknowledged her beauty during that first encounter, but my admiration and care for her were like

embers at the bottom of a fire, smoldered but only needing stirred to erupt. She always seemed invincible, like nothing could faze her. How she seemed baffled when I

saved her in the cage, or when she executed Gustus with no whim of attachment. It's revolting to remember the bombing on TonDc and the whirlwind of emotions that

she arose out of me that day, ruthlessly abandoning her people to the missile to confessing that she had broken her mantra and cared for me. Then the earth shifted,

and she kissed me. It took me a moment to kiss back, but once I realized what was happening, pure bliss took over. Her kiss was so soft, yet powerful. The intensity of

that moment will never escape my mind. I pulled away as the fog lifted from my mind. I had been through so much, and the last thing I needed was another complicated relationship. Whatever was building between us would have to wait for me to find my balance on the ground. The look on her face as the words slipped

through my teeth has never left me.

I couldn't afford to lose focus drifting into the past. _The dead are gone, the living are hungry,_ and hungry I was. Fear, guilt, longing, all those feelings weren't going to

catch my next meal. I need to rein it in and fall back into survival mode. Letting my emotions rule over me will only stir up more problems. To overcome all that has

happened, I must outlast. I continue to cover the area I'm most familiar with when I notice a rabbit in my snare. I hustle over, very thankful for a quick break. I waste

no time prepping it to eat, and settling down for the day as darkness overcomes the light in the sky. I had exiled myself for three weeks now, most days I found a way

to nourish my body and protect myself from the elements. I still craved belonging; nothing out here could offer me security from that. I wish I knew the place that

would satisfy my desire for a home. The comfort and reassurance I could feel eating dinner with people I knew cared for me.


	2. Chapter 2

Arkadia would always welcome me back with open arms. There would be consequences with walking through the gates. I could feel my burden digging into my back

thinking of them. The gruesome hardships we've bared together since our introduction to this earth. You truly never know what anyone is capable of until trials require

their boundaries to be pushed. Our innocence shattered like pieces of the dropship violently colliding with solid ground. The way of life we knew diminished down here

immediately after the exodus launch. A particular moment doesn't resonate with me when they designated me as their leader, but everyone besides my mom views me

that way. I don't know if I could ever hold a different position amongst them. While some find it empowering to be in charge, I found it suffocating now.

I replay another offer I received, green eyes connecting with mine on the battlefield, "You should come with me to Polis, it would change the way you think of us." It

was absurd how safe I felt in the heat of battle that night by her side. I had never entertained what I wanted after my people were free, but at that moment Polis

sounded wonderful. Something stirs deep inside of me thinking of what came next. I felt disregarded and betrayed. Things would be simpler if I could separate the leader

from the girl, in regards to both of us. Clarke the leader had mild compassion for the decision _Heda_ had to make to save her people. Clarke the girl felt heart broken and

deceived. Torn away from the one glimpse of freedom she had seen in a long time. She knew Lexa the girl was torn, she never hesitated, but that night she did. Parting

with the skaikru's farewell, "May we meet again."May we meet again."t night she did. Parting with skikru she had seen in a long time. She knew Lexa the girl was torn,

she never Part of me loathed her for leaving me to execute the mountain men alone. I wondered if she even considered that I might not live through it all, if my life had

any value to her. I really want to believe that it did, that our time together had instilled hope for a better life in her as it did for me. I knew that I was a manifested

weakness in her impenetrable world. Maybe that's why she could walk away, she knew that letting me in was risking everything she believed in. Her life was bigger than

her feelings, she had an entire coalition watching her every move, questioning her every word. I can't deny that she would have had a lot more casualties than skaikru

would have that night on the mountain. Subjectively, it was the right choice. It hurt me profoundly, and it will stick with me forever.

Days pass, I can feel the air growing colder and the leaves on the trees are changing color. Even with all of the gore, this land still maintains a certain elegance that

astounds me. I try to memorize all of it in hopes of eventually having a moment to put it on canvas. I subconsciously know where I'm headed, images of the TonDc's

carnage flash through my mind, trying to prepare myself for the real thing. I should only be two days away from arriving at the grounder camp, completely unsure of

what I want or expect. I can only pray that achieving reconciliation with the grounders will free me from some of my demons, I want to help rebuild what I let get

destroyed.

I arrive at the threshold of the camp, searching for any familiar face. People start to notice me, stunned expressions spreading through camp. Nyko emerges from a tent

and makes eye contact with me. He slowly maneuvers towards me, "What are you doing here Clarke of Skaikru?"

It doesn't feel like an attack, I truly believe that Nyko wants to trust me. I give him my most genuine answer, "Nyko, I want to help in any way I can."

His face remains emotionless, "Come with me."

I shuffle behind him into his tent; I can't squander the nervousness creeping into my mind. Nyko is a healer; violence is not his preferred language. He pulls out a chair

and then continues to the other side of the table to pulls one out for himself. He grunts, "Sit." I follow his instruction. "I was not sure of your wellbeing. Stories of the

mountain's demise have spread through the coalition. I thought that maybe skaikru might have found some peace until rumored sightings of the Skai Prisa in the woods

surfaced."

I try to swallow my discomfort so I can explain the recent events, "All of the mountain men are dead. They would not surrender our people so I did what I had to do.

After returning them to Arkadia, I went on a sabbatical of sorts."

Nyko has one of the few pairs of soft eyes amongst the grounders; I see the reality of my words settle into him. of the few pairs of soft eyes amongst the grounders, I

see the reality of my words settle inWe didn't get an opportunity to know each other well but I can see understanding in his eyes. "The mountain men brought endless

despair to these woods for as long as I can remember. My people are very grateful for removing that threat. People are smiling again, children laughing and playing. I've

the wear that can grow on a leader's back, but I wanted to personally say thank you and tell you that you're welcome here for long as you see fit."

I feel some relief wash over me as I exit Nyko's tent. He explains that he will set me up living quarters, and that my healing knowledge will be very beneficial. He

welcomed me to the dining area while everything gets situated. I explore the remnants of the village, people moseying around to their daily rituals. Some small

structures have gone up after the devastation, but preparations for war and basic things needed for survival have hindered the recovery. Villagers are giving me simple

nods and barely there smiles; I find a dull sense of comfort with their acceptance of my presence. I slowly enter what is presumably the dining area, immediately an

older woman offers me a bowl of stew. The wonderful aroma seeping from the bowl makes my stomach jump. I refrain from devouring it like a ravenous beast but it's

challenging to slowly sip the warm liquid. My stomach feels satisfied for the first time in a while. I creep up out of my seat and thank the cook as I exit in search of the

healer's tent.

Time passes more swiftly here; my days are filled teachings and healing the wounded. Submersing myself into their culture has done wonders for me. Their resilience

gives me hope, watching them thrive after a disaster shows the elasticity of the human spirit. Most of the rubble has been removed and more permanent buildings are

being constructed. After restructuring the land, new farms are flourishing and I notice villagers breathing easier around dinner time. I could grow used to this peaceful

living.

A commotion outside startles me awake. I wipe my eyes and push the furs off of my legs. I struggle against my first instinct to panic, I try to compose myself and rush

to the opening of my tent. No one seems to be in distress, so I adventure towards the uproar. I see a collection of horses at the entrance; the locals seem excited about

the visitors. My panic dissipates as my curiosity grows. I cautiously make my way towards them, scouting for a view. My feet stop suddenly when I see Indra

dismounting her horse. My heart starts to palpitate at what this could mean. I try to study her demeanor, which is no easy feat because she only has two facial

expressions: glowering and none what so ever. Her face seems neutral and her body language seems stern but not aggressive. This gives my worried mind no reprieve.

If this wasn't a demanding visit, then Indra is merely an escort.

My eyes dart rapidly from side to side in search of her; Indra is one of Lexa's most cherished guards, it is very unlikely for Indra to be here without her. I can feel the

anxiety drumming within me. I lower myself and try to hustle away from the crowd when I hear, "Heda!" I pull myself behind a tent and peak around its walls, my

vision finally closes in. She has just breached the camp's threshold on horseback. At first, seeing her again doesn't seem real, like an odd variety of déjà vu. Her being

has always enchanted me, and does not fail to do so now. The light breeze catches her braids as she climbs off of her horse. Her brown hair sending sparks to her green

eyes. Her skin is hidden beneath her exclusive war paint. She has a pleased look on her face, but beyond that her presence seems impartial. Even while bearing full

warrior's armor, she moves gracefully around the entrance of the camp. People rush to care for the visitors' horses, grabbing their reins and guiding them away. A

sudden urge to flee grips me so with one last look, I make way to my tent to pull myself out of this stupor I'm in.

The last few hours are agonizing but I tried to keep myself occupied. Nyko presented me with some study materialo her green eyes. Her skin is ris ridden beneath her

ches her braids as she climbs off of her horse. Her brown hair sending spa over healing herbs. This is my passion, so it's easy to become fascinated with the information

I'm reading. My fascination only comes in fleeting moments as my mind retreats to Lexa. Her close vicinity occupies my attention. My feelings were so bizarre, a fresh

wave of betrayal and anger ripped through me, the impulse to inflict the pain she caused me onto her flickered in the back on my head. Something more dominant and

powerful followed: the longing I had felt to be near her. Rhyme and reason were treacherous concepts in my new life. Constant conflict squandered most questions

about purpose or existence. When I was around Lexa though, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that we were meant to meet to soften the blow that our roles

bestowed upon us. I wanted to believe two people could instill humanity instead of revenge across the land. She gave me hope, which terrified me more than anything.

Hope was dangerous; it amplified the distance you could fall if things went awry. I believe that is the cause of my deep devastation with all of it, I had faith in her

companionship. There weren't any titles or words discussed, just our mutual awareness of the worth of our coexistence. Then it was compromised: what was good for

our coexistence wasn't good for the coalition. In retrospect, I know there would have been excruciating repercussions for choosing me. I'm begging for rationality to

mend my shattered heart.

I knew this day would come, TonDc meant grounders and grounders meant Lexa. Several things perplexed me: did Lexa know I was here, and if not why didn't anyone

tell her? The Commander rarely took things lightly; sarcasm and sense of humor were scarce amongst the warriors. Nothing stood between her and I, word of mouth

must have reached her by now. The company of any outsider would warrant informing the Commander. The easiest way to cope with this would be to wait it out. Lexa

doesn't seem the type to take direction or submit and there was no use to rush this reunion. I took a few nibbles off some bread I had and fell into bed. Sleep could

either be a luxury or a tormentor tonight.

After slowly gaining consciousness I arose out of bed. I threw on my day wear and found my way to the healer's tent. The number to be tended to decreased

significantly throughout my days here. Wounded warriors turned into minor hunting accidents and fractured bones. Nyko walked in and greeted me with a nod before

busying himself. Making my rounds wasn't too strenuous and after my stomach expressed hunger I decided to grab lunch. I was very precautious loitering around today.

I consumed my stew with a sense of urgency. Routinely, I thanked the cook and hurried of back to my patients. I noticed Nyko being peculiar since my return, "Nyko, is

something the matter?"

Nyko wasn't ever rude or unwelcoming; he just didn't allow any transparency into how he was feeling. I must have startled him because he took a moment to reply,

"Ah no Clarke everything is well. I just wanted to tell you that were having a feast tonight to celebrate the winter solstice. You've contributed much value since your

arrival here, you should come."

His offer seems sincere and I know I must go. I was gradually establishing a sense of belonging amongst the grounders that inhabited TonDc, missing tonight would

thrust me a step backwards. After my evening rounds, I drudged my way back to my tent to clean up for tonight's events. I did not possess what I considered proper

attire for a party, so I slipped on my least tattered jeans and shirt, and wrapped the fur coat a local tailor fashioned for me. With the temperatures plunging lower every

day, her act of kindness made the environment much more tolerable. I questioned how well a girl from the sky could blend with people of the ground.

Festive music and tantalizing smells hover around camp. I stop to soak it all in, a deep sense of appreciation for all that this camp has hat gainat gainedgained, a deep

sense of appreciation for how far I'gifted me. There are still broken fragments in me, scattered amongst my being, but my old self being resurrected out of the darkness.

Peaceful slumber has finally found me after endless sleepless nights. My night terrors have ceased, and that alone will be my reason for celebrating tonight.

I silently creep on the outskirts of the crowd, drawing as little attention as possible. I see Nyko huddled by a miniscule fire with his family. When I shift within reach, I

place my hand on his shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. He quickly turns his face and graces me with a smile, "Clarke join us." He gestures towards an open space so

I sit and return a smile. He offers me a goblet of wine, and I hesitantly receive it to take a sip. Soft giggles hit my ears after the children notice my wince. I have not

tasted alcohol since that night with Bellamy, so I must pace myself. I feel myself ease up while listening to them share stories of heroes and monsters. The children

become anxious as the adults lumber around trying to resemble the terrors of the past. A child stifles a yawn and that triggers the women to start sending the rest to

their sleeping corridors.

The smaller groups consolidate to the center of the celebration, there are men rough housing and people dancing. A few tables are set up for some playful gambling and

there seems to be a brewing station to keep the beverages flowing. I slide onto a bench and observe them during this joyous night. "May I sit here?"

Shock rushes through my system and I feel my body go rigid. I slowly pivot my head wanting to memorize every detail of this first sighting. In much closer detail now I

see her intricate braids and her bronze skin. Her soft features guide me to her gentle eyes, they seem worried but brave. My memories have not given her beauty

justice. I missed her profoundly even after all the pain she bestowed upon me. "Of course, Heda."

She flinches at the title but cautiously sits next to me. It's surreal to be this close in proximity to her. I feel adolescent with my knee shaking and sweaty palms

especially while she remains peaceful staring into the fire. I had only witness her falter one time, a passionate plunge into the unknown, but there is no trace of that girl

present now. She does not a frigid demeanor, but her posture is tight. Although plenty of boisterous noise is around us, I hear nothing. My focus is will not abandon this

moment, no words are spoken or movements seen but I know she is here with purpose. I am happy to grant her this time and space, for she has chosen to spend it

with me.


End file.
